Everything is Batman
by chibinightowl
Summary: "'Because I'm Batman' is not a good enough reason to override reasonable objections in a discussion," Damian ranted. Dick had just laughed and ruffled Tim's hair. "It's a thing," he'd said.


It starts innocently enough.

Red Robin and Batman are preparing for patrol a bit later than usual thanks to a business dinner neither of them really enjoyed. Robin and Nightwing were already on the streets.

"I'm going to head over to Chinatown and see if I can't get some information on that drug ring," says Tim, pulling on his cowl.

"I need you down in Tricorner tonight," replies Bruce, already in cape and cowl and heading to the Batmobile.

"But why? Did you hear about something coming in?" Tim asks, following after Bruce. "I really think I can get a break in my case if I go to Chinatown tonight."

"Because I'm Batman and I said so."

Tim stops dead and just _looks_ at Bruce. Did he just?

"Seriously?"

"Tricorner, Red Robin." The Batmobile roars and pulls away.

"That was weird," mutters Tim, getting on his motorcycle.

* * *

It happens again the next week.

Then again a few weeks later.

"Has Bruce been saying anything _strange_ recently?" Tim asks Jason when he sees him on patrol. They're on a break.

"Your face is strange," replies Jason, flicking the ash from his cigarette onto the roof they're on. He's in just the domino tonight. "You're assuming I hang around the cave or him long enough to listen to anything coming out of his mouth,"

Tim ignores the comment and shakes his head. "You were over last week for that briefing on the prostitution ring we broke up. He did it then."

"Did what?"

"Recently, he's been saying 'because I'm Batman' whenever I question something he says."

"You do that all the time, Replacement." Jason finishes his cigarette and flicks it off the side of the roof. They both watch it fall. "I haven't heard him say that in years."

"So he's done it before?"

"Yeah, back when I was…before," Jason pauses. "I'd question everything and he finally just came out and said 'because I'm Batman dammit, now listen to me.'"

Tim laughs and finishes his energy bar. "I wonder if he's done it to the others?"

"It pissing you off that much?"

"Just…curious."

"I know that tone. You're plotting." Jason looks at Tim. "What have you got in mind?"

Tim just grins.

* * *

Conversations with Dick and Damian reveal Bruce has also done the same thing with them.

"'Because I'm Batman' is not a good enough reason to override reasonable objections in a discussion," Damian had ranted. Apparently, Tim isn't the only one who's been on the receiving end of this recently.

Dick had just laughed and ruffled Tim's hair. "It's a thing," he'd said.

It was annoying.

It isn't too hard to get his hands on Bruce's cell phone and install his little program. Testing it is more challenging as Tim didn't want it to go off in the wrong place. Only in the Manor.

He grins when it's done.

* * *

Every month, Alfred insists on having a nice family dinner. No arguments, no work talk (either day or night work), just family time.

Everyone comes because there's no saying no to Alfred.

They're all seated around the large dining room table. Bruce is at the head, as usual with Damian to his right (as Damian insists that's where Bruce's true heir should sit). The rest of them don't care where they sit, though Jason makes a point to sit as far away from Bruce as he can get.

Even Stephanie and Cassandra are present this month, which was a rare thing.

As Bruce sits down, he pulls out his cell phone and sits it on the table. Alfred raises an eyebrow as he sets down a platter of roasted chicken. "I'm expecting a call from Lucius," he says.

"Of course, sir." The raised eyebrow says everything Alfred is thinking and not saying. He has a strict rule about no phones at the dinner table.

Tim hides a small smile behind a bite of perfectly seasoned carrots. Across from him, Cass gives him an odd look. He looks back innocently. Of course he'd arranged it so that Lucius would call during family dinner night.

Dinner goes along smoothly, Dick and Stephanie keeping the conversation going like always. Jason and Damian make small comments and Tim picks them apart. Bruce interjects his own comments here and there.

"…and then the professor said…" Stephanie is suddenly interrupted by Bruce's phone going off.

 _Everything is Batman._

 _Everything is cool when you're Batman._

 _Everything is Batman,_

 _Because I'm Batman._

 _Yeah._

The song starts repeating as Bruce stares in horror at his phone.

Laughter erupts from around the table. Dick looks like he's about to fall out of his chair, he's clutching his stomach so hard. Damian is staring at the phone, his face warring between glee and horrified amazement.

Jason snorts water up his nose and is laughing and choking at the same time. Tim starts slapping him on the back, a big grin on his face as he looks at Bruce who still isn't answering the phone.

 _Everything is Batman._

 _Everything is cool when you're Batman._

 _Everything is Batman,_

 _Because I'm Batman._

 _Yeah._

Stephanie does fall out of her chair, she's laughing so hard. Cass simply smiles and looks coolly across the table at Tim. There's no hiding from her who the culprit is here.

Bruce picks up his phone slowly. "Hello Lucius," he says, getting up and walking away from the table. Before he leaves the dining room, he looks back at the table to see Tim watching him.

He nods at Tim and, wrapping the shredded remains of his dignity around him, walks out of the room.

As everyone at the table starts talking about what just happened, Jason cackling in unholy glee now that he can breath again, Tim takes a sip of water. Mission accomplished.

* * *

Author's note: I see this Web site still does funky things with links to other sites, so to access the link to the YouTube video this was originally inspired by, please see my profile.


End file.
